Why some Marriages Last Forever and Others just Go Down the Drain

Having the Disney Princesses as my first teachers, my idea of love was the typical Disney fairytale love story. Love is when a damsel in distress (me) is rescued and swept off her feet by a dashing, gorgeous, very handsome and rich prince on a white horse. Eventually,  the damsel grew up to be an independent young woman and the reality dawned on her that she gets distressed often but can very well manage her way out of a distressing situation by herself. Now where does this debonair and valiant knight in a shining armor come to the picture? That is when the damsel realized that what Belle, Aurora, Ariel and Cinderella taught her was not enough. True love takes more than just the fairytale to last forever.

People often think of love as intimacy, others say love is a decision or a commitment, others believe it is one’s burning passion for another. Marriages fail when couples think of love as either one of the three and marry for only one of these three reasons. Marriages last forever when couples marry because of all the three reasons. These three—intimacy, passion and commitment—are actually the three vital ingredients for consummate love that could stand the test of time. Let’s discuss why marriages with only one or a combination of two of these elements often fail.

Scenario One. You go to a party, meet someone who screams Ian Somerhalder from his intense gaze to the buff body and you’re instantly smitten. He introduced himself to you and you danced the night away. The party ended, you go home, but you can’t sleep, eat, nor stop thinking about him. He sends you an SMS and you get tingles in your spine and butterflies in your tummy. You agree to meet and the whole world seems to stop when you’re together. You’re both inseparable—your longing to be with each other is intense, emotional and exciting! It would kill you to be apart so you get married. This is what we call romantic love. So what’s so bad about it when it seems perfect?

Scenario Two.  You go to the same party and get attracted to your Filipinized Ian Somerhalder. You talked and danced the night away. You go home feeling like you’re in cloud nine. Being with him is like being on a rollercoaster of euphoria and gloom—you get excited and elated but you also get miserable when his replies come late. You decide that you are made for each other—he’s your Mr. Right and you’re his Ms. Perfect-for-Me. Nothing else can compare to the passion you have for each other and so both of you decide to commit yourselves to each other. This is fatuous love.

Scenario Three. You go a same party and get introduced to a Filipino version of Ian Somerhalder. He happens to be almost every girl’s dreamboat—unfortunately just not yours. But since you’re polite, you talk to him and by the end of the night, realize that you have so much in common that both of you could pass as each other’s soulmates! After some more getting-to-know you and secret-sharing, you both realize that you really, really like each other. You decide to commit yourselves to each other, despite the lack of sparks that would have made the perfect icing on the cake of your companionate love.

So why are these three types of love not enough to make marriages last forever? The first two are based on passionate love which can be very tricky. The euphoria and bliss you get as the flames of your burning desire and longing to be with each other can often blind you  into thinking that he or she is “the One” however, no euphoria can last forever (ironically, it’s bad for the body), and the thrill of romance will eventually die. When relationships crumble and couples would say they have “fallen out of love,” then they most likely mistook passion alone as love. After knowing this, we could say that the most ideal love would be Scenario three with its companionate love. As a model of love, it is okay and could be more preferred than the first two since it’s more stable and can even last a lifetime. it's downside is its possible lack of "magic" or "spark." If the burning flames represent passionate love, companionate love is represented by the steady and warm afterglow when the flames will have subsided. It is one of the recipes of a forever-and-always kind of marriage but it is not the most ideal. 

So what is?

Scenario Four. You go to a party, see and get instantly attracted your dreamboat—Ian Somerhalder Pinoy Edition. He asks the host to introduce you to each other as he has the hots for you as well. You spend the rest of the night, talking, dancing and flirting a little. You go home and feel like you’re in cloud nine. You constantly communicate and in the process, get to know each other more, and later, get a deeper understanding, acceptance, and appreciation of each other’s strengths and weaknesses. You develop a deep friendship and attachment that is full of attraction and longing to be one. You are not just lovers but best friends to the core yet despite that, the feelings of infatuation you first felt when you saw each other for the first time at that epic party remains to be stronger than ever. Finally you decide to publicly declare your commitment to each other by tying the knot. This is consummate love where all three elements—passion, intimacy, and commitment—are present, and this is the best/most ideal model of love. Couples can bask in the highs and lows of romance and passion with the assurance that when the flames die, the solid foundation of their companionate love will keep the embers of their love warm,  affectionate and still very much alive.

So which love scenario does your current relationship fall under?

Don’t worry if it’s in the first three. Now that you know more about this, use this knowledge to your relationship’s advantage. Knowledge is a very powerful tool to make our lives and lovelives better and more satisfying! On the other hand, if you feel that your current relationship is a scenario four, then you are very blessed and lucky! However, keep in mind that we do not live in a linear world. Love, just like life, is complex and entails a lot of hard work and sacrifice. You may have the ideal model of love now but if you do not constantly work with your partner to not only make your relationship work but also make it better, then your consummate love is not an assurance of your love’s happily ever after. 

Keep loving and never get tired of falling in love over and over again with the same person! 

xoxo,

(Future Doc) Sam

*This musing was written as a tribute to my parents who are celebrating their 25th Silver Wedding Anniversary today and with Sternberg’s tripartite theory of love (1988) in mind

cheers to my folks' 25 years of consummate love <3

Nagsasa Cove Camping Trip

HAPPY CAMPERS (L-R): Via, Mariel, Me, Bianca, Jess, Krisha, Shine

Since my epic move to Manila last May 2012, I haven't been able to soak up the waters of the Northern parts of the Philippines. Being a full time SPED teacher and a full time PHD student, there had to be some trade offs, and one of them is time spent for R and R in my most favorite place in the planet--the beach. Finally, after almost a year of putting off nature and adventure time, I finally had a shot at happiness. My co-teachers and I organized this camping trip. It was going to be a long trip so we decided to sleepover at Bianca's place in Katipunan so we could all wake up early and catch the 5am bus to Iba Zambales. We arrived at the Victory Liner bus station in Caloocan and paid Php 260 for the bus fare. We also had breakfast there and since I have a weak/sensitive stomach, I opted for a cup noodle instead of getting "turo-turo" food. After four and a half hours and three stops, we finally arrived and got off at the municipal hall of San Antonio Zambales. From there, we waited for our contact person to fetch us and bring us to Pundaquit. The tricycle ride to Pundaquit took about 15 minutes and cost us Php30 per person. 

perks of our package:
unlimited free use of the life vest! lol

The bangka ride took an hour. Along the way, we passed by two other coves, Anawangin and Talisayan. By the time we arrived at Nagsasa, it was already lunch time and all of us were famished! We were quiet (this group gets grumpy when the stomach is empty) as we prepared our lunch which consisted of breakfast food (hotdogs and meatloaf, because it took the least effort and time to prepare). Nagsasa Cove is isolated with no electricity and only the basic amenities (a toilet bowl and free flowing fresh water). The deal we got covered the expenses for the boat, the kubo, four tents (each tent was good for two people), 10 gallons of drinking water, one kaldero, a frying pan, 2 bags of charcoal, and an ice bucket with one big block of ice. 

We regained our excitement for the trip long with the satiation of our hunger. The beach bums headed to the beach while the others enjoyed a peaceful and relaxing siesta. 

the hot pink utensils said a lot about our kikay spirits! :) 

Nagsasa Cove was a sight to behold! It was beautiful, peaceful and very relaxing. The view was picturesque--it makes you feel that you're in a different place. For a moment, it made me wonder whether Nagsasa was the epitome of the autumn season. The mountains were brown with patches of green and it had pine tree looking trees that weren't really pine trees. According to local folklore, the native Aetas burn the trees (kaingin) as a form of ritual to the anitos to grant them a good harvest. And it's pretty interesting how, despite the advances in technology and all,  these rituals are still performed. Oh, and it made me really psyched to see Aetas living there too ('twas just a shame I never got to take a photo with them)! Being a Cebuana accustomed to the pristine white sand beaches of Cebu, I was amazed with the fine, sparkling gray sand and the tiny black pebbles with tinges of gold and metallic blue that outlined the cove. Under the bright sun, the sand appeared to be littered with glitters!

the isthmus that connects the river and the sea

i fell in love with the pine tree looking trees 

After soaking up the sun, we headed back to our campsite to prepare our dinner. We felt disappointed seeing the flocks of campers who had arrived and are still arriving. After discovering that Mariel's solar lamp (which was supposedly our main source of light when nighttime comes) was missing/stolen, we hurried up with our cooking. Being a first time camper and with zero experience in scouting, I had no idea how to start a fire and that fanning a burning charcoal will make the flames even bigger! After what seemed like ages, our dinner was ready to be devoured. The menu included grilled pork belly (or what survived of it after being burned, haha), ginataang monggo (which ended up looking like monggo paste and tasting like hospital food), pork steak, and mango-tomato ensalada. After dinner, we paid the locals Php 150 to prepare a bonfire for us while our expert chemists (tanggeras and alcohol mixers) did their thing. We brought out the ingredients for our wholesome midnight snack of smores and our less-than-wholesome drinks. We sang and chatted the night away!The following day, we had a heavy breakfast and spent the rest of the day taking pictures and swimming while waiting for the boat to fetch us. All in all, despite the glitches, the inconveniences and  the inevitable bickering, it was a weekend well spent!

Expenses for each person in Philippine Peso:

700 - round trip boat ride, 2 packs of charcoal, 1 block of ice, ice bucket, cookware, kubo, tent
350 - food for the entire trip

600 - round trip fare (bus and tricycle)

150 - other expenses

TOTAL: 1, 800

If you're into a no-frills nature tripping that is pocket-friendly then Nagsasa Cove is an ideal place to go!