Having the Disney
Princesses as my first teachers, my idea of love was the typical Disney
fairytale love story. Love is when a damsel in distress (me) is rescued and
swept off her feet by a dashing, gorgeous, very handsome and rich prince on a
white horse. Eventually, the damsel grew
up to be an independent young woman and the reality dawned on her that she gets
distressed often but can very well manage her way out of a distressing
situation by herself. Now where does this debonair and valiant knight in a
shining armor come to the picture? That is when the damsel realized that what
Belle, Aurora, Ariel and Cinderella taught her was not enough. True love takes
more than just the fairytale to last forever.
People often think of
love as intimacy, others say love is a decision or a commitment, others believe
it is one’s burning passion for another. Marriages fail when couples think of
love as either one of the three and marry for only one of these three reasons.
Marriages last forever when couples marry because of all the three reasons. These
three—intimacy, passion and commitment—are actually the three vital ingredients
for consummate love that could stand the test of time. Let’s discuss why
marriages with only one or a combination of two of these elements often fail.
Scenario One. You go
to a party, meet someone who screams Ian Somerhalder from his intense gaze to
the buff body and you’re instantly smitten. He introduced himself to you and
you danced the night away. The party ended, you go home, but you can’t sleep,
eat, nor stop thinking about him. He sends you an SMS and you get tingles in
your spine and butterflies in your tummy. You agree to meet and the whole world
seems to stop when you’re together. You’re both inseparable—your longing to be
with each other is intense, emotional and exciting! It would kill you to be
apart so you get married. This is what we call romantic love. So what’s so bad about it when it seems perfect?
Scenario Two. You go to the same party and get attracted to
your Filipinized Ian Somerhalder. You talked and danced the night away. You go
home feeling like you’re in cloud nine. Being with him is like being on a
rollercoaster of euphoria and gloom—you get excited and elated but you also get
miserable when his replies come late. You decide that you are made for each
other—he’s your Mr. Right and you’re his Ms. Perfect-for-Me. Nothing else can
compare to the passion you have for each other and so both of you decide to
commit yourselves to each other. This is fatuous
love.
Scenario Three. You
go a same party and get introduced to a Filipino version of Ian Somerhalder. He
happens to be almost every girl’s dreamboat—unfortunately just not yours. But
since you’re polite, you talk to him and by the end of the night, realize that
you have so much in common that both of you could pass as each other’s
soulmates! After some more getting-to-know you and secret-sharing, you both
realize that you really, really like each other. You decide to commit
yourselves to each other, despite the lack of sparks that would have made the
perfect icing on the cake of your companionate
love.
So why are these three
types of love not enough to make marriages last forever? The first two are
based on passionate love which can be very tricky. The euphoria and bliss you
get as the flames of your burning desire and longing to be with each other can
often blind you into thinking that he or she is “the One” however, no euphoria
can last forever (ironically, it’s bad for the body), and the thrill of romance
will eventually die. When relationships crumble and couples would say they have
“fallen out of love,” then they most likely mistook passion alone as love. After
knowing this, we could say that the most ideal love would be Scenario three
with its companionate love. As a model of love, it is okay and could be more
preferred than the first two since it’s more stable and can even last a
lifetime. it's downside is its possible lack of "magic" or "spark." If the burning flames represent passionate love, companionate love is
represented by the steady and warm afterglow when the flames will have
subsided. It is one of the recipes of a forever-and-always kind of marriage but
it is not the most ideal.
So what is?
So what is?
Scenario Four. You go
to a party, see and get instantly attracted your dreamboat—Ian Somerhalder Pinoy Edition. He asks the host
to introduce you to each other as he has the hots for you as well. You spend
the rest of the night, talking, dancing and flirting a little. You go home and
feel like you’re in cloud nine. You constantly communicate and in the process,
get to know each other more, and later, get a deeper understanding, acceptance,
and appreciation of each other’s strengths and weaknesses. You develop a deep
friendship and attachment that is full of attraction and longing to be one. You
are not just lovers but best friends to the core yet despite that, the feelings
of infatuation you first felt when you saw each other for the first time at
that epic party remains to be stronger than ever. Finally you decide to
publicly declare your commitment to each other by tying the knot. This is consummate love where all three elements—passion,
intimacy, and commitment—are present, and this is the best/most ideal model of
love. Couples can bask in the highs and lows of romance and passion with the
assurance that when the flames die, the solid foundation of their companionate
love will keep the embers of their love warm, affectionate and still very much alive.
So which love
scenario does your current relationship fall under?
Don’t worry if it’s
in the first three. Now that you know more about this, use this knowledge to
your relationship’s advantage. Knowledge is a very powerful tool to make our
lives and lovelives better and more satisfying! On the other hand, if you feel
that your current relationship is a scenario four, then you are very blessed and
lucky! However, keep in mind that we do not live in a linear world. Love, just
like life, is complex and entails a lot of hard work and sacrifice. You may
have the ideal model of love now but if you do not constantly work with your partner to
not only make your relationship work but also make it better, then your
consummate love is not an assurance of your love’s happily ever after.
Keep loving and never get tired of falling in love over and over again with the same person!
xoxo,
(Future Doc) Sam
*This musing was written as a tribute to my parents who are celebrating their 25th Silver Wedding Anniversary today and with Sternberg’s tripartite theory of love (1988) in mind
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| cheers to my folks' 25 years of consummate love <3 |
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