2012 was a rollercoaster ride for me. I’ve had my equal
share of ups and downs, successes and failures.
Last year, I chose to leave my comfortable life—my rent-free apartment, my
stable job, and the comfort and security of home and being only a few minutes
away from family, relatives, and friends—for a life of uncertainty.
The Graduate School abroad that I applied to said that I
lacked the experience for the specific field of study I wanted to get into. It
broke my heart since I already set my mind into doing that and I spent so much
on that application. I felt that I threw my, and some of my uncle’s money, to
waste. But my mom told me that it happened for a reason and that I should just
try to find out what that reason is instead of sulking. Not long after that, I
got news that I got accepted into the PHD Program of UP Diliman’s Psych
Department and I was also offered employment in one of the SPED schools that
was just a jeepney-ride from UP, and a five-minute walk from my boarding house.
It was the perfectly moist chocolate cake I thought I deserved after the years
of hard work, but that wasn’t all, it came with a luscious frosting—a full
scholarship to boot! My bitterness about the rejection was short-lived.
I moved to Manila early last May and thought everything was
going smoothly until June came and I started working with the kids. I’ve had my
experience working with children with autism and I thought I was ready for what
was about to come but my classroom was not even close to how I imagined it to
be. My class has 20 students, only about a quarter of the class did not have
any clinical diagnosis and the rest of the three-quarters have AT LEAST one.
Compared to the class of 4-5 all with autism I handled in Cebu, I now have 20
kids with different abilities and needs put together in one classroom. Imagine a container filled to the brim with oil and
water and the only way the two can be mixed was to constantly shake the
container. I am the container—constantly shaken and pressured for things to
work out fine. At one point, I asked God if this suffering was my punishment
for being too ambitious, for thinking I could do everything I put my heart to.
All I wanted was to study but I have to work so I could pay for rent, food, and
the other essentials I need to survive. And of all the jobs I could have had, I
was given this. I thought it was unfair because as far as I can remember, I
wasn’t the type of student who gave my teachers a headache. To make matters
worse, the realization that I was alone was slowly creeping in and I finally
felt homesick. I felt so alone and unhappy, despite my visits to relatives,
bonding times with colleagues and Cebu friends, phone calls home, and Skype
dates with the boyfie. The only silver lining that I held on to was the fact
that I was partly living my dream of doing my PHD in Diliman. But even that was
a source of stressor sometimes. As the lessons were getting harder, I started to question
my reason for wanting to be there, and if it was really worth all the trouble.
It was in Manila that I felt so small, so insignificant, and
so poor. But it was also there that I felt “big,” concerning myself with adult
matters. My first six months there were filled with exhaustion, cynicism,
bitterness, and self-pity which I recklessly coped with apathy. I became
indifferent, just getting through each day in my now-meaningless life. Unhappiness and
dissatisfaction was the air that I breathed. I would rant and complain to
anyone who listened.
I was rushing through the months for my well-deserved
two-week Christmas vacation. I thought the best way I could deal with this was
to just go away and forget about everything. But that was just like morphine to
the cancer that caused all the pain. I needed to find the root cause of my misery
and do something about it. The times I’ve spent alone allowed me to think
about my life and why it seems to be falling apart. And just a couple of days
ago, as I was looking through my bookshelves, I found a book my former student
gave me and that’s when I realized my mistake. I took independence too
literally, and relied too much on myself when in fact, I had no reason to feel
alone because He has been with me all the way. That’s it. I was miserable
because I lost touch of my personal connection with God. I preoccupied myself
too much with worldly caprices that I took for granted the One who has always
been there, my one true source of strength. I
am neither misplaced nor punished, as I have made myself believe for the past
few months. I have just been blinded and won over by my negativity. I failed to
see the opportunities that lay in the seemingly depressing things that were
happening to me. I wasted precious time in my meaninglessness and selfishness
when I could have used it to become a better person, and to help others become better
too.
Last year I prayed for God to teach me to be patient and
generous, to help me achieve my dreams, and to protect me and my family. All
the things happening to me are, in fact, his answer to my prayers! When I think
about it, I learned so many things from my job. Apart from the technical stuff on
how I could improve in my craft as a SPED teacher, my students taught me to be
patient and selfless. My job requires me to stretch my patience even longer for
me to last a day there and for my kids to learn. Most of all, it requires me to
give a part of myself. They taught me how to listen more and talk less; praise
more and criticize less. They taught me that it’s okay to make mistakes and to
fail, and that imperfection can be good and beautiful. I was taught humility by
the Arrogant people who looked down on me and hurt my feeling and they now
serve as reminders of who I should not be. The Scary People who lurked in dark
corners and the streets of my new town taught me to be brave yet vigilant. My
just enough monetary resources taught me to prioritize and value what is
important, to be less materialistic, to make the most of what I have, and that giving becomes more meaningful when you share what little you have. I
was also taught by my Boss, one of the best I’ve had so far, how to be a great servant
leader by his example. My long distance relationship with my boyfriend taught
me that love, more than just the feelings, the dates, the warm embraces that
I often miss, is a choice and a commitment two individuals made to
stay together, in spite of their differences and the distance. The struggles I am going through while
starting my PHD taught me perseverance and humility. These hardships remind me
that nothing worthwhile is ever easy.
God also sent a lot people as his instruments to ensure my
safety, survival and happiness—my students, my boss, my colleagues, my friends,
my classmates, my mentors, my relatives, even my landlady, her family and her
housemaid. But I chose to be blind and deaf to all these as I shut myself out
of all these learning opportunities. My kids, like me, are imperfect but they
are perfectly happy because they see and interpret the world and its events in
its simplicity, using a child’s wisdom. Indeed, a doctorate degree isn’t needed
for me to realize how I have been so blessed this year. But I was too stubborn
and foolish and I realized this rather late—but as they say, better late than
never.
2012 has been another year for me to witness how God works
in mysterious ways, and how he never abandons us, even when sometimes our faith
falters. It was a year of pushing
extreme limits, of knowing myself better, of experiencing a spectrum of
emotions I never knew I was capable of feeling, of being strong and being
vulnerable, of learning life lessons I will take to my grave--humility,
patience and generosity--of appreciating failures and how they are meant to
teach a lesson, of being humbled, of learning from mistakes, and of realizing how
much I need God in my life in spite of all the things I thought I could
accomplish by myself.
As the year 2013 commences, I, too, will start fresh and see
everything with rosier lenses. I have, indeed, learned from my mistakes. I will make this a better and more productive
year by simply keeping my faith strong and steady despite the heavy blows that
are to come my way in the next 12 months. I am looking forward to more
adventures, more trials that will test my faith and character, and more
opportunities to testify how great God truly is. This year, I will give my best
in all that I do, whether I like what I’m doing or not, not for my personal
satisfaction, but for the benefit of others and for His greater glory. I will complain less and be more grateful. I will
see the world through a child’s eyes that are untainted by selfishness, anger
and disappointment. And most of all, I will hold on to my God with a child-like
faith that never falters, that never questions but just simply believes. xx
