2012: A Year of Learning

2012 was a rollercoaster ride for me. I’ve had my equal share of ups and downs, successes and failures.  Last year, I chose to leave my comfortable life—my rent-free apartment, my stable job, and the comfort and security of home and being only a few minutes away from family, relatives, and friends—for a life of uncertainty.

The Graduate School abroad that I applied to said that I lacked the experience for the specific field of study I wanted to get into. It broke my heart since I already set my mind into doing that and I spent so much on that application. I felt that I threw my, and some of my uncle’s money, to waste. But my mom told me that it happened for a reason and that I should just try to find out what that reason is instead of sulking. Not long after that, I got news that I got accepted into the PHD Program of UP Diliman’s Psych Department and I was also offered employment in one of the SPED schools that was just a jeepney-ride from UP, and a five-minute walk from my boarding house. It was the perfectly moist chocolate cake I thought I deserved after the years of hard work, but that wasn’t all, it came with a luscious frosting—a full scholarship to boot! My bitterness about the rejection was short-lived.

I moved to Manila early last May and thought everything was going smoothly until June came and I started working with the kids. I’ve had my experience working with children with autism and I thought I was ready for what was about to come but my classroom was not even close to how I imagined it to be. My class has 20 students, only about a quarter of the class did not have any clinical diagnosis and the rest of the three-quarters have AT LEAST one. Compared to the class of 4-5 all with autism I handled in Cebu, I now have 20 kids with different abilities and needs put together in one classroom. Imagine a container filled to the brim with oil and water and the only way the two can be mixed was to constantly shake the container. I am the container—constantly shaken and pressured for things to work out fine. At one point, I asked God if this suffering was my punishment for being too ambitious, for thinking I could do everything I put my heart to. All I wanted was to study but I have to work so I could pay for rent, food, and the other essentials I need to survive. And of all the jobs I could have had, I was given this. I thought it was unfair because as far as I can remember, I wasn’t the type of student who gave my teachers a headache. To make matters worse, the realization that I was alone was slowly creeping in and I finally felt homesick. I felt so alone and unhappy, despite my visits to relatives, bonding times with colleagues and Cebu friends, phone calls home, and Skype dates with the boyfie. The only silver lining that I held on to was the fact that I was partly living my dream of doing my PHD in Diliman. But even that was a source of stressor sometimes. As the lessons were getting harder, I started to question my reason for wanting to be there, and if it was really worth all the trouble.

It was in Manila that I felt so small, so insignificant, and so poor. But it was also there that I felt “big,” concerning myself with adult matters. My first six months there were filled with exhaustion, cynicism, bitterness, and self-pity which I recklessly coped with apathy. I became indifferent, just getting through each day in my now-meaningless life. Unhappiness and dissatisfaction was the air that I breathed. I would rant and complain to anyone who listened.

I was rushing through the months for my well-deserved two-week Christmas vacation. I thought the best way I could deal with this was to just go away and forget about everything. But that was just like morphine to the cancer that caused all the pain. I needed to find the root cause of my misery and do something about it. The times I’ve spent alone allowed me to think about my life and why it seems to be falling apart. And just a couple of days ago, as I was looking through my bookshelves, I found a book my former student gave me and that’s when I realized my mistake. I took independence too literally, and relied too much on myself when in fact, I had no reason to feel alone because He has been with me all the way. That’s it. I was miserable because I lost touch of my personal connection with God. I preoccupied myself too much with worldly caprices that I took for granted the One who has always been there, my one true source of strength.  I am neither misplaced nor punished, as I have made myself believe for the past few months. I have just been blinded and won over by my negativity. I failed to see the opportunities that lay in the seemingly depressing things that were happening to me. I wasted precious time in my meaninglessness and selfishness when I could have used it to become a better person, and to help others become better too.

Last year I prayed for God to teach me to be patient and generous, to help me achieve my dreams, and to protect me and my family. All the things happening to me are, in fact, his answer to my prayers! When I think about it, I learned so many things from my job. Apart from the technical stuff on how I could improve in my craft as a SPED teacher, my students taught me to be patient and selfless. My job requires me to stretch my patience even longer for me to last a day there and for my kids to learn. Most of all, it requires me to give a part of myself. They taught me how to listen more and talk less; praise more and criticize less. They taught me that it’s okay to make mistakes and to fail, and that imperfection can be good and beautiful. I was taught humility by the Arrogant people who looked down on me and hurt my feeling and they now serve as reminders of who I should not be. The Scary People who lurked in dark corners and the streets of my new town taught me to be brave yet vigilant. My just enough monetary resources taught me to prioritize and value what is important, to be less materialistic, to make the most of what I have, and that giving becomes more meaningful when you share what little you have. I was also taught by my Boss, one of the best I’ve had so far, how to be a great servant leader by his example. My long distance relationship with my boyfriend taught me that love, more than just the feelings, the dates, the warm embraces that I often miss, is a choice and a commitment two  individuals made to stay together, in spite of their differences and the distance. The struggles I am going through while starting my PHD taught me perseverance and humility. These hardships remind me that nothing worthwhile is ever easy.

God also sent a lot people as his instruments to ensure my safety, survival and happiness—my students, my boss, my colleagues, my friends, my classmates, my mentors, my relatives, even my landlady, her family and her housemaid. But I chose to be blind and deaf to all these as I shut myself out of all these learning opportunities. My kids, like me, are imperfect but they are perfectly happy because they see and interpret the world and its events in its simplicity, using a child’s wisdom. Indeed, a doctorate degree isn’t needed for me to realize how I have been so blessed this year. But I was too stubborn and foolish and I realized this rather late—but as they say, better late than never.

2012 has been another year for me to witness how God works in mysterious ways, and how he never abandons us, even when sometimes our faith falters.  It was a year of pushing extreme limits, of knowing myself better, of experiencing a spectrum of emotions I never knew I was capable of feeling, of being strong and being vulnerable, of learning life lessons I will take to my grave--humility, patience and generosity--of appreciating failures and how they are meant to teach a lesson, of being humbled, of learning from mistakes, and of realizing how much I need God in my life in spite of all the things I thought I could accomplish by myself.

As the year 2013 commences, I, too, will start fresh and see everything with rosier lenses. I have, indeed, learned from my mistakes.  I will make this a better and more productive year by simply keeping my faith strong and steady despite the heavy blows that are to come my way in the next 12 months. I am looking forward to more adventures, more trials that will test my faith and character, and more opportunities to testify how great God truly is. This year, I will give my best in all that I do, whether I like what I’m doing or not, not for my personal satisfaction, but for the benefit of others and for His greater glory. I will complain less and be more grateful. I will see the world through a child’s eyes that are untainted by selfishness, anger and disappointment.  And most of all, I will hold on to my God with a child-like faith that never falters, that never questions but just simply believes. xx