My Alpha Male

Here is something I made two years back but published just now. It's hilarious in a very serious way. Enjoy reading! :)

Last night I could not sleep so I decided to write stuff in my doodle book. I initially did not have any particular topic of interest in mind so I let my thoughts linger and finally, a stimulus came in the form of a text message. I wouldn't care to elaborate the contents anymore but it triggered me to write this.

I remember making a poem back in the days when my hair was straight as silk and parted in the middle. I actually I wrote a lot of poems back then and this one particular poem was written much later than most and it was inspired by a blog i read about someone's ideal guy. And so I made my list too in poetry form. I could no longer recall all of its content but I'm pretty sure it was cheesy and fairytale-ish - like how a typical teenage hopeless romantic would describe her ideal Prince.

Two years into the real world, I wonder if that list still holds true. Two years in the workforce, I look at the mirror and see a more mature young woman, full of zest and dreams for the future but now with a more open and practical mind. To call myself jaded is an overstatement. Perhaps I just grew out of my fantasies, and has been struggling to deal with reality - which proves to be not as easy as I've always imagined it to be. So anyway, as I was trying to picture out the kind of partner I want to have, I couldn't help but relate these to my past lessons in Evolutionary Psychology, especially the one about mating preferences.

So what exactly do I hope for in a mate? Here's my latest list.

1. The Funny One. Despite our perpetual bickering, I realized I actually want someone like my dad, minus the tantrums. He is witty, street-mart, and when in the mood, can turn a long and dreary 45 minute drive home way better than one episode of How I Met Your Mother. Papsie's a natural comedian and I'm not surprised why our Mom fell for him. I think I dig that too. I want someone who takes life seriously enough to survive but can still manage to laugh at little things, even at himself. I want someone who can turn angry and sad tears into tears of joy and laughter. I want him to leave me breathless - because I'd be laughing all the time. :)
2. The Mature Child. I want someone who can take the lead - yes, I want the take-charge kind of guy. I know I can be domineering at most times so I want him to be the one to "tame me" and take charge so I would no longer feel the need to do so. But despite being mature and practical, he doesn't forget the child within him who gets excited over surprises, and does not run out of the adventure spirit!
3. The Corny Manly-Man. I can imagine myself being with a man who does not need to constantly prove himself to me or to anybody else for that matter. A manly-man is someone who knows how his strengths and shortcomings and who constantly strives to be a better version of himself everyday. A corny manly-man isn't afraid of making a fool of himself because he knows where he stands.
4. The Dependable, Loyal Bunny. I had the Energizer bunny in mind when I was thinking about this part. Like the Energizer Bunny, I want someone I can depend on. Someone who will take care of me when I can't. Someone who will tell me what I need to hear, not what I want to hear.
5. The Gracious Chevalier. In this age that is marked by a sad poverty of values, I want a man who knows a woman's value and strives to ensure that she is being taken care of, respected, and protected despite knowing that she can very well do it by herself. 
6. The Best Friend. They say that the best foundation of a romantic relationship is friendship. I want my man to be my best friend so that when the fire of passion dies down, there would still be the embers of our friendship that will light and warm up our lives, especially when we get old. 
7. The Respectful One Woman Man. Sharing is good but not when it comes to your life partners. I want someone who can appreciate God's beautiful creation but who also knows his limits. I want someone who respects my dignity as woman and a person.
8. The Promise-Keeper. I was once told to find a man who not only treats me right but who keeps his word. Talk is cheap and promises will only have meaning when you see them coming alive through actions. A lot of men will promise you the universe, but only a few will ever truly try to give it to you.
9. The Goal-Oriented Family Man. I want a man who puts his family before himself. He has great plans for himself and for his family and he commits himself into making these plans a reality.
10. The Man Who Loves Me. Need I say more? 

I am a 22 year old young woman against the billions of men out there. What are the odds that I'll bump into this ideal guy? Probably never, or I probably already have him. ;) 

2012: A Year of Learning

2012 was a rollercoaster ride for me. I’ve had my equal share of ups and downs, successes and failures.  Last year, I chose to leave my comfortable life—my rent-free apartment, my stable job, and the comfort and security of home and being only a few minutes away from family, relatives, and friends—for a life of uncertainty.

The Graduate School abroad that I applied to said that I lacked the experience for the specific field of study I wanted to get into. It broke my heart since I already set my mind into doing that and I spent so much on that application. I felt that I threw my, and some of my uncle’s money, to waste. But my mom told me that it happened for a reason and that I should just try to find out what that reason is instead of sulking. Not long after that, I got news that I got accepted into the PHD Program of UP Diliman’s Psych Department and I was also offered employment in one of the SPED schools that was just a jeepney-ride from UP, and a five-minute walk from my boarding house. It was the perfectly moist chocolate cake I thought I deserved after the years of hard work, but that wasn’t all, it came with a luscious frosting—a full scholarship to boot! My bitterness about the rejection was short-lived.

I moved to Manila early last May and thought everything was going smoothly until June came and I started working with the kids. I’ve had my experience working with children with autism and I thought I was ready for what was about to come but my classroom was not even close to how I imagined it to be. My class has 20 students, only about a quarter of the class did not have any clinical diagnosis and the rest of the three-quarters have AT LEAST one. Compared to the class of 4-5 all with autism I handled in Cebu, I now have 20 kids with different abilities and needs put together in one classroom. Imagine a container filled to the brim with oil and water and the only way the two can be mixed was to constantly shake the container. I am the container—constantly shaken and pressured for things to work out fine. At one point, I asked God if this suffering was my punishment for being too ambitious, for thinking I could do everything I put my heart to. All I wanted was to study but I have to work so I could pay for rent, food, and the other essentials I need to survive. And of all the jobs I could have had, I was given this. I thought it was unfair because as far as I can remember, I wasn’t the type of student who gave my teachers a headache. To make matters worse, the realization that I was alone was slowly creeping in and I finally felt homesick. I felt so alone and unhappy, despite my visits to relatives, bonding times with colleagues and Cebu friends, phone calls home, and Skype dates with the boyfie. The only silver lining that I held on to was the fact that I was partly living my dream of doing my PHD in Diliman. But even that was a source of stressor sometimes. As the lessons were getting harder, I started to question my reason for wanting to be there, and if it was really worth all the trouble.

It was in Manila that I felt so small, so insignificant, and so poor. But it was also there that I felt “big,” concerning myself with adult matters. My first six months there were filled with exhaustion, cynicism, bitterness, and self-pity which I recklessly coped with apathy. I became indifferent, just getting through each day in my now-meaningless life. Unhappiness and dissatisfaction was the air that I breathed. I would rant and complain to anyone who listened.

I was rushing through the months for my well-deserved two-week Christmas vacation. I thought the best way I could deal with this was to just go away and forget about everything. But that was just like morphine to the cancer that caused all the pain. I needed to find the root cause of my misery and do something about it. The times I’ve spent alone allowed me to think about my life and why it seems to be falling apart. And just a couple of days ago, as I was looking through my bookshelves, I found a book my former student gave me and that’s when I realized my mistake. I took independence too literally, and relied too much on myself when in fact, I had no reason to feel alone because He has been with me all the way. That’s it. I was miserable because I lost touch of my personal connection with God. I preoccupied myself too much with worldly caprices that I took for granted the One who has always been there, my one true source of strength.  I am neither misplaced nor punished, as I have made myself believe for the past few months. I have just been blinded and won over by my negativity. I failed to see the opportunities that lay in the seemingly depressing things that were happening to me. I wasted precious time in my meaninglessness and selfishness when I could have used it to become a better person, and to help others become better too.

Last year I prayed for God to teach me to be patient and generous, to help me achieve my dreams, and to protect me and my family. All the things happening to me are, in fact, his answer to my prayers! When I think about it, I learned so many things from my job. Apart from the technical stuff on how I could improve in my craft as a SPED teacher, my students taught me to be patient and selfless. My job requires me to stretch my patience even longer for me to last a day there and for my kids to learn. Most of all, it requires me to give a part of myself. They taught me how to listen more and talk less; praise more and criticize less. They taught me that it’s okay to make mistakes and to fail, and that imperfection can be good and beautiful. I was taught humility by the Arrogant people who looked down on me and hurt my feeling and they now serve as reminders of who I should not be. The Scary People who lurked in dark corners and the streets of my new town taught me to be brave yet vigilant. My just enough monetary resources taught me to prioritize and value what is important, to be less materialistic, to make the most of what I have, and that giving becomes more meaningful when you share what little you have. I was also taught by my Boss, one of the best I’ve had so far, how to be a great servant leader by his example. My long distance relationship with my boyfriend taught me that love, more than just the feelings, the dates, the warm embraces that I often miss, is a choice and a commitment two  individuals made to stay together, in spite of their differences and the distance. The struggles I am going through while starting my PHD taught me perseverance and humility. These hardships remind me that nothing worthwhile is ever easy.

God also sent a lot people as his instruments to ensure my safety, survival and happiness—my students, my boss, my colleagues, my friends, my classmates, my mentors, my relatives, even my landlady, her family and her housemaid. But I chose to be blind and deaf to all these as I shut myself out of all these learning opportunities. My kids, like me, are imperfect but they are perfectly happy because they see and interpret the world and its events in its simplicity, using a child’s wisdom. Indeed, a doctorate degree isn’t needed for me to realize how I have been so blessed this year. But I was too stubborn and foolish and I realized this rather late—but as they say, better late than never.

2012 has been another year for me to witness how God works in mysterious ways, and how he never abandons us, even when sometimes our faith falters.  It was a year of pushing extreme limits, of knowing myself better, of experiencing a spectrum of emotions I never knew I was capable of feeling, of being strong and being vulnerable, of learning life lessons I will take to my grave--humility, patience and generosity--of appreciating failures and how they are meant to teach a lesson, of being humbled, of learning from mistakes, and of realizing how much I need God in my life in spite of all the things I thought I could accomplish by myself.

As the year 2013 commences, I, too, will start fresh and see everything with rosier lenses. I have, indeed, learned from my mistakes.  I will make this a better and more productive year by simply keeping my faith strong and steady despite the heavy blows that are to come my way in the next 12 months. I am looking forward to more adventures, more trials that will test my faith and character, and more opportunities to testify how great God truly is. This year, I will give my best in all that I do, whether I like what I’m doing or not, not for my personal satisfaction, but for the benefit of others and for His greater glory. I will complain less and be more grateful. I will see the world through a child’s eyes that are untainted by selfishness, anger and disappointment.  And most of all, I will hold on to my God with a child-like faith that never falters, that never questions but just simply believes. xx

musings on failure and failing

two things i learned last night:

1. failure is a state of mind, ergo,
2. it's okay to fail.

for the past week i've stressed myself enough to feel psychosomatic symptoms because the prospect of failing in one of the most important (if not the most important) aspects of life is so, so close that i could feel it staring so coldly right at me. 

if i'll fail, this would be the very first time i'd fail. but what sucks is i really did give it my best shot and it hurts to know that at this point, my best is not good enough. the other aspects of my life are not at their rosiest as well. i noticed they seem to have this ripple effect that if one screws up, all the rest gets affected. sometimes i can't also help but think whether i bit off more than i can chew. but apparently, these hindsight thoughts are useless since i'm already at this point, and i've risked too much that turning back is no longer an option. i've never been a quitter, too. whiner, yes, definitely, but never a quitter. 

the best advice i was told was that there is no such thing as failure. it is only a state of mind created by people who have not realized that every set back is but a mere learning experience. i should only be sorry for myself if i am unable to learn from the experience of falling. sometimes a fall is necessary for us to realize that we are walking the wrong path, or running too fast that we forget to enjoy the journey. after all, life is not just about the what's and the when's but more importantly, about they how's. it's not the destination but how you got there that matters. therefore, it's okay to stumble and fall--we are all entitled to that. and after the epic fall, we rise again and continue our journey--better and more learned.  

i guess all i need is to remind myself this--constantly. ergo this blog entry. :)

like a research

The STC graduation controversy is trending all over the net and people from all over the world pass judgment so easily as if they know the case very well.

STC has been my second home, having spent my elementary and high school years, as well as two years of being a college instructor here. However, this is not a statement of my agreement or disagreement with the institution. I haven't made a stand yet as I have yet to get to the bottom of the issue (in short, I am still in my "imbestigador" mode). Even if this is my second home, if it has truly done wrong, then I would also push for it to be punished. However, this i not what this post is all about. This post is an expression of my thoughts and opinions regarding how people reacted to the matter.

I am quite disappointed with how the issue was presented to the public and how, in turn, the public has reacted to it. It just seems losided and unfair for people to make baseless judgments (proly in the same way the school is accused of making such baseless judgments of the girls, but again, this is not what this post is about).

I hope that people can treat incidents such as this as they would a research or an investigatory project. As in research, we go through a series of steps before making a conclusion. We strive to keep things objective by trying our best to get to the bottom of things and making sure all aspects of our research paper is flawless, unbiased, and objective. After knowing the problem, we formulate a hyposthesis and then gather, analyze and interpret data to test the hypothesis prior to making a conclusion. The third step is gathering data. When we gather data, we make sure we get a sample that is truly a representative of the population. Sure, we can go with the sbnowball method as it is easier, however, one of its major flaws is that it jeaopardizes the generalizabilty of the findings. Chances are, you approach people who share the same hypothesis with you and hence, you yield results which are biased and applicable only to the particular part of the population from which you  obtained your data. Objective investigation involves  listening and considering ALL versions of the same story, and not just fixating ourselves on one and then sensationalizing it (for drama effect). After we have gathered our facts from a "representative" sample, we analyze the data, before we make a conclusion.

If the STC graduation issue was a research paper, I think the problems is already very clear. And I am sure many people made very good and interesting hypotheses about it; however, many of these people stopped there and automatically made their hypotheses their conclusions.

I am appealing for people to be smarter about topics like this and to maximize the ALL our brain parts, not just some. Oftentimes we are carried away by our emotions, and we get overwhelmed with the vivid, the dramatic and the sensationalized that we forget that feeling emotions is not the only thing our brains are capable of. The frontal lobe, specifically, exists to help us be more analytic, objective and fair in our judgments and decisions. I hope we all take advantage of and utilize all parts and functions of our brains, and not just limit our cranial funcitoning to the midbrain which controls our emotions.

In a way, I cannot totally blame some people for taking the peripheral route as this is easier, faster and has less cranial activity requirement than processing information through the central route, which requires getting more facts, weighing the strength of the arguments, and making sure claims are based on subatantial and real information and not just mere hearsay. However, let me remind everyone of the perils of relying too much on our emotions and these so-called baseless "facts." It wasn't so long ago when the "Chona-Mae" incident caused a lot of unnecessary fuss among our fellow Cebuanos. Although I'm not equating the present issue with the failed tsunami alert, it is clear the frenzy was emotion-driven.

Anyway, I would like to make an appeal to people to maximize their brains to avoid losing it. I invite all of you to get your facts straight before passing judgement and be more analytical and less emotional in dealing with controversial issues such as this. True it requires more time and conscious effort on our part to think, but at least we can be more confident that our judgements and evaluations are less biased and more profound than the ones we make with our emotions.

Again, I am appealing for everyone to be more analytic and less emotional in dealing with the issue. Let make good use of our frontal lobes before they get pruned. :)

coffee night

here are snappies of one of the bonding activities with my family i love a lot: COFFEE TIME!:D

the 'Rents being silly

ang duha na murag dili palaaway

and nope, this was not the highlight of the night.. 

if Kopi Roti was still around, we would've most likely ended up there and not in KK. but it was fun tho i already had a long day. for my dad to want to "hangout" in malls is something not even a tired and sleepy body could resist. 

for the love of FREEDOM

A German professor of Psychology I met last month hypothesized that the reason why Filipinos prefer to work abroad is, contrary to popular belief, not at all about money or anything economic for that matter. To a certain degree, I agreed with him on this and tried to guess that the reason was social in nature. I mean, if it's not economic, then it has to be social.  I explained to him that saying you work abroad, no matter how crappy and low-brow your work there is, has a certain kind of appeal that captures many of the Filipinos. For many Filipinos, working abroad carries with it a certain degree of prestige, regardless of what kind of job you do there. I was so sure that was what he was thinking, but he merely pursed his lips and gave polite smile.

I wasn't ready for what he said next.

He actually believes Pinoys leave the home base to get away from the intricate interconnections (and perhaps the firm hold?) of the family. Are you kidding me? Who wants to get away from family? It was hard to digest at first for someone who came from and grew in a highly collectivist culture, where I converse daily with family and meet weekly with relatives for dinners and such. It felt like blasphemy to me! From what I understood, the family is like a vase that sits on a pedestal at the core of the Filipino psyche such that it controls so much of one's life, sometimes even to the extent that it limits your chances of self-actualizing. I left the dinner unconvinced and disappointed for my inability to provide a potent counter-argument right there and then.

Well, after all, it was just his hypothesis. It doesn't have to be true.

Weeks passed and I never thought about that conversation with the professor until recently when a window of opportunity opened. I was accepted to a graduate program from my dream school which was an hour and 10 or so minutes from my home, by plane. It meant I had to leave my family and comfort zone to pursue that dream. If it was all up to me, I wouldn't think twice about leaving. Heck, you don't get acceptance letters everyday from your dream school, do you? But I know for a fact that not everything is up to me. I have other things to consider, and most importantly, other people to consider.

Being the eldest in the family, I was so used to discussing plans with family and relatives. I had to get their approval first before I did anything else. And it turned out not all of them were very happy with my choice. My mother initially thought it was irrational of me to even consider leaving the comforts of home when I can get a similar degree in town, where we can all be just within reach. A few others who knew about my situation expressed their concerns. And at a certain point, I felt sad. I felt so torn between two things very dear to me! It took a while for me to convince my folks that what I want to do is the right thing to do. I explained that the only way I can ever know how far I can fly is to leave my nest. Sure, it's going to be difficult in the beginning to fly with wings that have been so used to the comfort and pampering of the nest. But in time, I'm pretty sure it will develop muscles, grow stronger and take me farther.

And then the conversation with the professor came to mind out of nowhere. Now I finally understood where he was coming from although I still don't totally agree with him. Perhaps it is true that we leave our own nests not for economic gains, however, we don't also leave to get away from the the influence of the family. It's just impossible to get away from the family for I know no matter where I go, whether I am a meter or a thousand kilometers away from home, my family will remain where it has always been, in my heart. I will leave, not necessarily for the freedom, but for the independence that goes with freedom. I do not wish to be separated with my family, but I wish to have wings strong enough to fly on my own.

At the end of the day, it is not our mothers, our fathers, nor anyone else for that matter who decide for us. They can only do so much to guide us and give suggestions. We still decide for ourselves in the end. We are the ones who suffer the consequences, we are the one who will reap the glory. Although we share our joys and trials with them, we still own our ups and downs. At the end, an empowered individual makes his or her own decisions and sticks by them. I am choosing to go, not to get away from it all, but to see things through a different, much bigger lens, and yes, to grow wings.

2011, the Year that Was, 2012, the Year that Will Be (Mine)!

Today, I woke up cranky, with a headache, and in a depressed mood. I had a few helping of self-pity, confusion, insecurity, and bitterness for breakfast. If I wanted to be productive today, I had to raise up my mood a few notches higher. So I went through my blog and started reading. My mood changed when I started reading the very first post I made. I was a to-do list for the year 2011 which I wrote on the first few days of the new year 2011. I smiled at the realization that despite having some items still untouched, I have accomplished more items in the list, and couple more things that were not even included in the list.

I was able to travel to one international destination and to only two local destinations. For the summer, I spent a week in my new favorite isla, Siargao, to discover the place and try surfing. In the middle of the year, I went to Iloilo and had a side trip to Guimaras to do something I only dreamt of doing in the past (more on this in the next paragraph). And just before the year ended, I went back to Siargao, and this time, I spent more time surfing than my last visit. I also learned to be independent there and got myself new friends, in addition to getting to know and appreciate my sister even more.

I mentioned I went to Iloilo sometime in August to do something important. That important thing was to present a research paper to a national Psychology convention. It was such a cool and unexpected experience that was not even in my 2011 bucketlist. I have the Lord to thank for, and of course, my former Dean of College, who encouraged and really pushed me to submit my paper. Her confidence in me and my work gave me the courage to submit and later on, present in a ballroom full of the Philippines' psychologists! This was probably one of the highlights of my year and my career!

Although I wasn't able to stick to my blogging and fitness to-do's until the end of the year, I still occasionally
blog and jog. I also bought two dumbbells which I use when I remember. But I strategically placed them in a shelf where I can see them everyday so I will have no choice but to lift them for a few minutes a day. I also wasn't able to learn a new language nor improve my Braille, but I have next year to do these.

For item #5 in my 2011 list, I was able to successfully send the PHD applications to one local and three international universities. Boy, was it an experience! Not only was it so expensive (I now have debts to pay off), but also stressful and nerve-racking. I had to set aside a lot of social and R & R activities to spend more time studying and bugging former professors for recommendations, asking--wait, I think the most appropriate term would be begging--people to help me especially in ironing out the financial aspects of this endeavor. But then again, I am so blessed to have people around me who are unselfish and generous enough to not just encourage but also help me succeed and prosper like them. I will be eternally grateful to all these people. The experience is not over yet, as I am still in the process of waiting for a reply from them - a process which I wasn't able to anticipate but appears to be even more stressful and nerve-racking than preparing & taking those exams. But anyway, I am still proud that I was able to conquer my fears and apprehensions and gave the application (which I had been postponing) a go.

In the earlier part of the year, I did some volunteer work with prostituted girls. I gave a talk on communication   with them. I also gave a talk about mental retardation to nursing students. I tagged my mom along in both speaking engagements. It's always a comfort to have her around. Her presence gives me strength because it reassures me that even if I screw up, she will still be my number 1 fan.

This year, I also moved out of my parents' house and stayed on my aunt's aunt's old house near my workplace at Epond. I'd like to look at this experience as a hint from God that I will be getting even more independent soon (sooo, exciting!). I learned a lot of life's lessons with my almost half a year of being semi-independent (semi coz my mom still does my laundry and brings my dinner). Last December, I also finished paying the orange ref in the Epond house that I co-own with my dad and though I wasn't able to get a class ring, I still got myself a "golden" something last Christmas. :) Lastly, due to my very hectic and toxic schedule for 2011, I wasn't able to get an extra job but I was able to save a little. I opened a new bank account and swore to never withdraw from the amount I have and will still be depositing there ever, no matter what (except for really important, life-or-death reasons).

Looking at myself now still makes me feel small and unaccomplished and poor. But when I started making this progress report, I felt better and better knowing that even if I am still small, less accomplished, and poor, if i look back at what I was the year before, I can really say that I have progressed, even if the progress is just in small increments. Today, I am slightly bigger (figuratively and literally), more accomplished, and less poor than I was a year ago. At the end of the day, it's always good to make it a habit to look at what you have instead of what you don't, tobe thankful and grateful for all that you have, and to make these your motivation to become even better.

This 2012, I want to become better. I want to continue what I have started in the previous year, and to hopefully accomplish my secret dreams, which I am still not ready to reveal as of the moment. These dreams are so special and sought for and right now, I will end with a positive vision that in 2013, I will be writing about how awesome 2012 was for it has brought be a step (or if I'm really lucky, a few steps) closer to my dreams. VIVA, 2012! :D