musings on failure and failing

two things i learned last night:

1. failure is a state of mind, ergo,
2. it's okay to fail.

for the past week i've stressed myself enough to feel psychosomatic symptoms because the prospect of failing in one of the most important (if not the most important) aspects of life is so, so close that i could feel it staring so coldly right at me. 

if i'll fail, this would be the very first time i'd fail. but what sucks is i really did give it my best shot and it hurts to know that at this point, my best is not good enough. the other aspects of my life are not at their rosiest as well. i noticed they seem to have this ripple effect that if one screws up, all the rest gets affected. sometimes i can't also help but think whether i bit off more than i can chew. but apparently, these hindsight thoughts are useless since i'm already at this point, and i've risked too much that turning back is no longer an option. i've never been a quitter, too. whiner, yes, definitely, but never a quitter. 

the best advice i was told was that there is no such thing as failure. it is only a state of mind created by people who have not realized that every set back is but a mere learning experience. i should only be sorry for myself if i am unable to learn from the experience of falling. sometimes a fall is necessary for us to realize that we are walking the wrong path, or running too fast that we forget to enjoy the journey. after all, life is not just about the what's and the when's but more importantly, about they how's. it's not the destination but how you got there that matters. therefore, it's okay to stumble and fall--we are all entitled to that. and after the epic fall, we rise again and continue our journey--better and more learned.  

i guess all i need is to remind myself this--constantly. ergo this blog entry. :)

like a research

The STC graduation controversy is trending all over the net and people from all over the world pass judgment so easily as if they know the case very well.

STC has been my second home, having spent my elementary and high school years, as well as two years of being a college instructor here. However, this is not a statement of my agreement or disagreement with the institution. I haven't made a stand yet as I have yet to get to the bottom of the issue (in short, I am still in my "imbestigador" mode). Even if this is my second home, if it has truly done wrong, then I would also push for it to be punished. However, this i not what this post is all about. This post is an expression of my thoughts and opinions regarding how people reacted to the matter.

I am quite disappointed with how the issue was presented to the public and how, in turn, the public has reacted to it. It just seems losided and unfair for people to make baseless judgments (proly in the same way the school is accused of making such baseless judgments of the girls, but again, this is not what this post is about).

I hope that people can treat incidents such as this as they would a research or an investigatory project. As in research, we go through a series of steps before making a conclusion. We strive to keep things objective by trying our best to get to the bottom of things and making sure all aspects of our research paper is flawless, unbiased, and objective. After knowing the problem, we formulate a hyposthesis and then gather, analyze and interpret data to test the hypothesis prior to making a conclusion. The third step is gathering data. When we gather data, we make sure we get a sample that is truly a representative of the population. Sure, we can go with the sbnowball method as it is easier, however, one of its major flaws is that it jeaopardizes the generalizabilty of the findings. Chances are, you approach people who share the same hypothesis with you and hence, you yield results which are biased and applicable only to the particular part of the population from which you  obtained your data. Objective investigation involves  listening and considering ALL versions of the same story, and not just fixating ourselves on one and then sensationalizing it (for drama effect). After we have gathered our facts from a "representative" sample, we analyze the data, before we make a conclusion.

If the STC graduation issue was a research paper, I think the problems is already very clear. And I am sure many people made very good and interesting hypotheses about it; however, many of these people stopped there and automatically made their hypotheses their conclusions.

I am appealing for people to be smarter about topics like this and to maximize the ALL our brain parts, not just some. Oftentimes we are carried away by our emotions, and we get overwhelmed with the vivid, the dramatic and the sensationalized that we forget that feeling emotions is not the only thing our brains are capable of. The frontal lobe, specifically, exists to help us be more analytic, objective and fair in our judgments and decisions. I hope we all take advantage of and utilize all parts and functions of our brains, and not just limit our cranial funcitoning to the midbrain which controls our emotions.

In a way, I cannot totally blame some people for taking the peripheral route as this is easier, faster and has less cranial activity requirement than processing information through the central route, which requires getting more facts, weighing the strength of the arguments, and making sure claims are based on subatantial and real information and not just mere hearsay. However, let me remind everyone of the perils of relying too much on our emotions and these so-called baseless "facts." It wasn't so long ago when the "Chona-Mae" incident caused a lot of unnecessary fuss among our fellow Cebuanos. Although I'm not equating the present issue with the failed tsunami alert, it is clear the frenzy was emotion-driven.

Anyway, I would like to make an appeal to people to maximize their brains to avoid losing it. I invite all of you to get your facts straight before passing judgement and be more analytical and less emotional in dealing with controversial issues such as this. True it requires more time and conscious effort on our part to think, but at least we can be more confident that our judgements and evaluations are less biased and more profound than the ones we make with our emotions.

Again, I am appealing for everyone to be more analytic and less emotional in dealing with the issue. Let make good use of our frontal lobes before they get pruned. :)

coffee night

here are snappies of one of the bonding activities with my family i love a lot: COFFEE TIME!:D

the 'Rents being silly

ang duha na murag dili palaaway

and nope, this was not the highlight of the night.. 

if Kopi Roti was still around, we would've most likely ended up there and not in KK. but it was fun tho i already had a long day. for my dad to want to "hangout" in malls is something not even a tired and sleepy body could resist. 

for the love of FREEDOM

A German professor of Psychology I met last month hypothesized that the reason why Filipinos prefer to work abroad is, contrary to popular belief, not at all about money or anything economic for that matter. To a certain degree, I agreed with him on this and tried to guess that the reason was social in nature. I mean, if it's not economic, then it has to be social.  I explained to him that saying you work abroad, no matter how crappy and low-brow your work there is, has a certain kind of appeal that captures many of the Filipinos. For many Filipinos, working abroad carries with it a certain degree of prestige, regardless of what kind of job you do there. I was so sure that was what he was thinking, but he merely pursed his lips and gave polite smile.

I wasn't ready for what he said next.

He actually believes Pinoys leave the home base to get away from the intricate interconnections (and perhaps the firm hold?) of the family. Are you kidding me? Who wants to get away from family? It was hard to digest at first for someone who came from and grew in a highly collectivist culture, where I converse daily with family and meet weekly with relatives for dinners and such. It felt like blasphemy to me! From what I understood, the family is like a vase that sits on a pedestal at the core of the Filipino psyche such that it controls so much of one's life, sometimes even to the extent that it limits your chances of self-actualizing. I left the dinner unconvinced and disappointed for my inability to provide a potent counter-argument right there and then.

Well, after all, it was just his hypothesis. It doesn't have to be true.

Weeks passed and I never thought about that conversation with the professor until recently when a window of opportunity opened. I was accepted to a graduate program from my dream school which was an hour and 10 or so minutes from my home, by plane. It meant I had to leave my family and comfort zone to pursue that dream. If it was all up to me, I wouldn't think twice about leaving. Heck, you don't get acceptance letters everyday from your dream school, do you? But I know for a fact that not everything is up to me. I have other things to consider, and most importantly, other people to consider.

Being the eldest in the family, I was so used to discussing plans with family and relatives. I had to get their approval first before I did anything else. And it turned out not all of them were very happy with my choice. My mother initially thought it was irrational of me to even consider leaving the comforts of home when I can get a similar degree in town, where we can all be just within reach. A few others who knew about my situation expressed their concerns. And at a certain point, I felt sad. I felt so torn between two things very dear to me! It took a while for me to convince my folks that what I want to do is the right thing to do. I explained that the only way I can ever know how far I can fly is to leave my nest. Sure, it's going to be difficult in the beginning to fly with wings that have been so used to the comfort and pampering of the nest. But in time, I'm pretty sure it will develop muscles, grow stronger and take me farther.

And then the conversation with the professor came to mind out of nowhere. Now I finally understood where he was coming from although I still don't totally agree with him. Perhaps it is true that we leave our own nests not for economic gains, however, we don't also leave to get away from the the influence of the family. It's just impossible to get away from the family for I know no matter where I go, whether I am a meter or a thousand kilometers away from home, my family will remain where it has always been, in my heart. I will leave, not necessarily for the freedom, but for the independence that goes with freedom. I do not wish to be separated with my family, but I wish to have wings strong enough to fly on my own.

At the end of the day, it is not our mothers, our fathers, nor anyone else for that matter who decide for us. They can only do so much to guide us and give suggestions. We still decide for ourselves in the end. We are the ones who suffer the consequences, we are the one who will reap the glory. Although we share our joys and trials with them, we still own our ups and downs. At the end, an empowered individual makes his or her own decisions and sticks by them. I am choosing to go, not to get away from it all, but to see things through a different, much bigger lens, and yes, to grow wings.

2011, the Year that Was, 2012, the Year that Will Be (Mine)!

Today, I woke up cranky, with a headache, and in a depressed mood. I had a few helping of self-pity, confusion, insecurity, and bitterness for breakfast. If I wanted to be productive today, I had to raise up my mood a few notches higher. So I went through my blog and started reading. My mood changed when I started reading the very first post I made. I was a to-do list for the year 2011 which I wrote on the first few days of the new year 2011. I smiled at the realization that despite having some items still untouched, I have accomplished more items in the list, and couple more things that were not even included in the list.

I was able to travel to one international destination and to only two local destinations. For the summer, I spent a week in my new favorite isla, Siargao, to discover the place and try surfing. In the middle of the year, I went to Iloilo and had a side trip to Guimaras to do something I only dreamt of doing in the past (more on this in the next paragraph). And just before the year ended, I went back to Siargao, and this time, I spent more time surfing than my last visit. I also learned to be independent there and got myself new friends, in addition to getting to know and appreciate my sister even more.

I mentioned I went to Iloilo sometime in August to do something important. That important thing was to present a research paper to a national Psychology convention. It was such a cool and unexpected experience that was not even in my 2011 bucketlist. I have the Lord to thank for, and of course, my former Dean of College, who encouraged and really pushed me to submit my paper. Her confidence in me and my work gave me the courage to submit and later on, present in a ballroom full of the Philippines' psychologists! This was probably one of the highlights of my year and my career!

Although I wasn't able to stick to my blogging and fitness to-do's until the end of the year, I still occasionally
blog and jog. I also bought two dumbbells which I use when I remember. But I strategically placed them in a shelf where I can see them everyday so I will have no choice but to lift them for a few minutes a day. I also wasn't able to learn a new language nor improve my Braille, but I have next year to do these.

For item #5 in my 2011 list, I was able to successfully send the PHD applications to one local and three international universities. Boy, was it an experience! Not only was it so expensive (I now have debts to pay off), but also stressful and nerve-racking. I had to set aside a lot of social and R & R activities to spend more time studying and bugging former professors for recommendations, asking--wait, I think the most appropriate term would be begging--people to help me especially in ironing out the financial aspects of this endeavor. But then again, I am so blessed to have people around me who are unselfish and generous enough to not just encourage but also help me succeed and prosper like them. I will be eternally grateful to all these people. The experience is not over yet, as I am still in the process of waiting for a reply from them - a process which I wasn't able to anticipate but appears to be even more stressful and nerve-racking than preparing & taking those exams. But anyway, I am still proud that I was able to conquer my fears and apprehensions and gave the application (which I had been postponing) a go.

In the earlier part of the year, I did some volunteer work with prostituted girls. I gave a talk on communication   with them. I also gave a talk about mental retardation to nursing students. I tagged my mom along in both speaking engagements. It's always a comfort to have her around. Her presence gives me strength because it reassures me that even if I screw up, she will still be my number 1 fan.

This year, I also moved out of my parents' house and stayed on my aunt's aunt's old house near my workplace at Epond. I'd like to look at this experience as a hint from God that I will be getting even more independent soon (sooo, exciting!). I learned a lot of life's lessons with my almost half a year of being semi-independent (semi coz my mom still does my laundry and brings my dinner). Last December, I also finished paying the orange ref in the Epond house that I co-own with my dad and though I wasn't able to get a class ring, I still got myself a "golden" something last Christmas. :) Lastly, due to my very hectic and toxic schedule for 2011, I wasn't able to get an extra job but I was able to save a little. I opened a new bank account and swore to never withdraw from the amount I have and will still be depositing there ever, no matter what (except for really important, life-or-death reasons).

Looking at myself now still makes me feel small and unaccomplished and poor. But when I started making this progress report, I felt better and better knowing that even if I am still small, less accomplished, and poor, if i look back at what I was the year before, I can really say that I have progressed, even if the progress is just in small increments. Today, I am slightly bigger (figuratively and literally), more accomplished, and less poor than I was a year ago. At the end of the day, it's always good to make it a habit to look at what you have instead of what you don't, tobe thankful and grateful for all that you have, and to make these your motivation to become even better.

This 2012, I want to become better. I want to continue what I have started in the previous year, and to hopefully accomplish my secret dreams, which I am still not ready to reveal as of the moment. These dreams are so special and sought for and right now, I will end with a positive vision that in 2013, I will be writing about how awesome 2012 was for it has brought be a step (or if I'm really lucky, a few steps) closer to my dreams. VIVA, 2012! :D

On Love, Forgiveness, & Happiness

I love the way God works. He knows there are times that I am kind of overwhelmed by some of his teachings, especially when they don't seem to make sense, or appear self-contradictory, but one thing continues to amaze me - how he is able to use instruments to remind us that His love for us is immense. Just when I am about to lose faith, He sends someone to remind me to look deeper, to stop overanalyzing things and to just trust what is inside my heart - that He loves me and would not give me challenges that I cannot handle. This vessel of enlightenment was in the form of a human priest. This priest reminded me of the basic lessons in life that matter the most - love, forgiveness and happiness. These are the things that we tend to overlook because they are too mundane and can sometimes be overrated cliches. 

So what were the things that I learned - or rather, relearned?

• HAPPINESS is a CHOICE and a SKILL that is meant to be SHARED. Choose to be happy by choosing to positively react to the same situation that an unhappy person would react to negatively. Learn how to be happy by changing your perspectives and by sharing your happiness.
• We CANNOT change people, but we can always change OURSELVES. If a person gets in your nerves or has a habit that is annoying to you, don't wait for that person to change, because he or she may never do so. Instead, change the way you see that person. Acceptance is the key. 
• MONEY is NOT always EVIL. It is what you do with money and what money can make you do that could be potentially evil. If you have money, be grateful for it and never waste it, because a lot are wishing they had that. If you do not have it yet, work hard. After all, God provides things for our enjoyment.
• In conflicts, it is NOT about the person, the work or the problem. It is about you, your attitudes towards and how you deal with the person, the work or the problem. 
• GOD LISTENS to our prayers and HE ANSWERS at the perfect time. If you've been praying and haven't been getting any "answers," be patient and look around you. Sometimes the answer may be in another form other than the one you specifically asked for. If still you feel He's been ignoring you, perhaps what you were asking for is not good for you - He has something better in store for you. Have faith, believe and soon enough you will get what is meant for you.
• HE who ANGERS you, CONTROLS you. And none of us wants to be controlled and manipulated so keep your cool and see the bigger picture. Take those precious two minutes to be rational and analyze the situation. Anger is often unreasonable and causes us to sin. Often the things we say and do when we are angry cannot be unsaid and undone. 
• When we FORGIVE, we FREE OURSELVES from the burden. Holding a grudge against someone is like punishing ourselves - we subject ourselves to carry the burden of getting hurt, getting angry, and committing sins along the way. Forgiving DOES NOT mean forgetting, does not mean going back to normal and does not mean the offender will not be punished. Forgiving is choosing to be happy. Forgive, let go and let God.  
• LOVING YOURSELF allows you to LOVE OTHERS, EXIST for others, and BE for others. One can't give what one does not have. You can only give love if you have it.
• HAKUNA MATA! "No worries for the rest of your days," is the battle cry of the two happiest animals in the world, Timon and Pumba. We will never run out of things to worry about so take every challenge as an opportunity to grow and be better versions of ourselves. Most of all, have faith. In the words of Saul or St. Paul, "God is faithful. He will not abandon you and allow you to be tried beyond your ability. He provides you a way out so you can stand up."
• PROBLEMS hidden underneath will remain a problem unless we confront them and find solutions for them. Do something different if you want different results. 
• The SECRET to HAPPINESS is that there is NO SECRET - you just choose it. It would be the happy people who will change the world and make it a better place.

Indeed, there is no stopping us from choosing to be happy, and making  other people happy. Of ten the reason why we get angry is because of our negative thoughts and our feeling of being disrespected. When we are angry, we usually refuse to listen and refuse to see the bigger picture. I challenge everyone now to join me in this voyage towards happiness. True, many of the items are easier said than done, but usually once we learn the skills needed to be truly loving and happy, love and happiness would usually come naturally. After all, I would like to believe that humans are, by nature, good. So let us beckon and nurture this natural goodness in each of us so that we can be happy people and make this world a better place. :)

My Koohday Thoughts

If I cannot be with you, then I will think of you. If I cannot love you perfectly, then I will love you the best way I can.

Storms and trials make us stronger, and when those times come and we forget what love is, here is something to remind us of this special love we share.

"Love is patient, love is kind. It is not jealous, it is not boastful and proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not selfish, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres." Corinthians 13:4-7

 I cannot think of one single reason why I love you - I just do.

hand in hand, through good times and bad

These are my thoughts, and my prayer on our Koohday.